Day 7- Today was the most “kill all the things” day I’ve had yet, between this round and my failed attempt in April. In fact, this is similar to how I felt the day I quit last time and shoved my face deep into a chocolate cake under a table at work. My stomach was in knots from the moment I woke up, progressing from a sickening nausea attributed to the beef at dinner, to anxious and general frustration with everything in my life. I feel overwhelmingly sad and without the ability to soothe with food, I am absolutely lost and hopeless- not an exaggeration. The only thing I can think about is going home to crawl under a blanket and eat handfuls of anything I shouldn’t be eating handfuls of. I gotta be honest, I really don’t want to fucking do this anymore. As great as I felt for the last few days, I can’t imagine going through another day like this one… let alone 23 more potential daily battles. I’ve made it 6 1/2 days without any considerable problems, but with my mind and stomach wrenching- all I want is sugar. Now, I know my out of control sugar cravings are the reason I did this in the first place. Going cold turkey for a few days and getting over the hump of headaches and withdrawal was so satisfying and I could throw it all down the drain with one cookie and be emotionless about it as of right now. I didn’t have a “last supper” of foods I wouldn’t be able to have on this program, which I kind of regret even though I know that makes the withdrawal symptoms stronger.
All I’ve had to eat today after last night’s dinner sent me running back and forth to the bathroom was an iced coconut coffee, a nectarine and 3 hard boiled egg whites at 10am. At 2pm I had a medium sized cup of mixed fruit and water. Exhausted and weak, I took a 2 1/2 hour nap after work then had a Chipotle carnitas salad bowl for dinner. And here we are, 8:30pm and I’m back in the bathroom just waiting for my slow death to end as I reenact the dress fitting scene from Bridesmaids. It had to have been the pork, unless Chipotle has another outbreak of food borne illness that I haven’t seen on the news yet. Safe to say I’m terrified to eat meat after my body rejected 2 meals. Thank fucking god this day is over. 1 week down, 3 to go.
I’ll keep this short, another kind of “meh” day. And from the look of the stats on my Whole30 blogs, no one really cares about this anyway. Coffee again with turkey meatballs, peppers and cherries for breakfast. Lots of water because I still feel like shit from yesterday. Sushi, 1/2 an avocado and strawberries for lunch. Carrot cake Lara Bar on the drive home, more meatballs at 4pm. I’m absolutely ravenous today, and my appetite is insatiable. I don’t want to just keep eating but basically starving yesterday and being miserable messed me up for probably a few more days. Currently on our way to Wegmans to just “wing it” even though I’m in the mood for things I can’t have. Maybe some sweet potato chips broiled in the oven. Ok, dinner was delicious and snapped me out of my crab apple mood. I just love salmon, and a tomato from my dad’s garden with 1/2 a kiwi. I’m very full, not uncomfortably so, just completely satiated FINALLY after having the munchies all day. A little puffy feeling, but probably just unfamiliar of the feeling that is a stomach full of food. That should be it for the night, new day tomorrow to turn this weekend around.