Slave 4 U

Long time no talk, frandsss! This is just going to just be a little ramble-y bit (again) about the scale and why it’s a mindfuck and a half to weigh yourself every day… like I do… for no reason. 

One of the rules I never touched on from the whole30 is that you can NOT weigh yourself. Lol WELL- I’ve weighed myself every morning for the past few months, and “most” of the time I never got married to the number I saw. I know better than that, I really do, but when I’m hard core at the gym and eating mindfully it’s nice to see my weight maintained within a pound or two of 133. 

Like I’ve said before, I just kind of started the whole30 on a whim one day, I wasn’t super dialed in to taking measurements or pictures and noting my weight was already a thing I did. When I stepped on the scale on Sunday July 30th I weighed 130.7lbs, which is actually one of my lower weigh ins. The week before this, my average weight was 133.4lbs, but I attributed the low number to an unintentionally low calorie Saturday with a lot of sleep. I didn’t really want to use an unusually low weight as my Whole30 “starting” weight, so after the 1st day I weighed myself again the next morning. On the second day, I weighed LESS and I was under 130lbs for the first time in months clocking in at 129.9lbs. FUCK YEAH was my first thought, and my second though was FUCK NO I shouldn’t have stepped on the scale! But it was too late, and for the next 10 days I would become a slave to the digital blue number that blinked back at me each day.

As the days progressed, my weight continued to drop, and each time I stepped on the scale I felt like I was cheating. Which I kind of was. The rush I got when I would reach a lower number felt so good, and motivated me for the first few days to keep eating bigger meals only 3x per day, until about the 7th day when my hunger was absolutely raging. I started eating more sweet potatoes, bars and fruit to try to curb my cravings and the need to graze, but the morning of day 7 my weight went up by 9/10ths of a pound and I almost felt disappointed in myself. I tried to snap out of it, but over the next 2 days I was insatiably hungry and ate much more than I had the first week. After I had my cupcake incident, it would have been smart to throw the scale out the window into the woods and move on with my life. But I couldn’t bear not having a number tie my current physique to. As I looked in the mirror for the last 12 days and saw how quickly my body composition could change, I became increasingly more aware of my body at every weight. At 127.2lbs, you could count my ribs. At 128.5lbs, my shorts slid off my hips while still buttoned. At 128.1lbs, my collarbones protruded. Anything under 131 didn’t even look like myself, but I actually kind of liked it. 

I fought for days to stay under 130, but it’s just not where my body comfortably sits. A slice of bread or an extra piece of pizza stuck to me like glue, and any weight I gained from the post diet bingeing and excessive sugar and carbs sits right at my belly. Even today after 2 days of somewhat normalcy in my routine and 2 weeks without working out, I’m still pretty uncomfortable with my reflection even though I look much more like myself. 

The body I am most comfortable in is what I’m in search of, not a number on the scale to chase and then pick a lower one when the goal is achieved. There is never thin enough, there is never a weight low enough, and there is never a stomach flat enough or muscles toned enough. Being comfortable with my body at whatever size, weight or shape is what I’m in pursuit of, not a number on the scale or a number on the tag of my jeans. Your scale weight doesn’t tell you a lot of things, the only thing it talks you is how much physical space you take up. Weighing yourself every day doesn’t tell you how good your workout was or whether you pushed yourself for extra reps. You may think it factors in what you ate the day before, but 3lbs up on the scale in 12 hours is not body fat. Scale weight doesn’t measure how happy you are or how your life is going, nor does it weight your kindness toward others or gauge the value of your friendship. I know that sounds corny, but it’s what is helping me cut ties with numbers and focus on being genuinely happy and comfortable no matter what the mirror whispers.