Most people leave their 9-5 monotonous desk job after a long day and think to themselves, “Man, I need a drink.” I, on the other hand, leave my physically laboring job with a different mindset- “Man, I need a cupcake.” There’s just something about a sugar laden treat that gives me that calming “Ahhhh” relaxing feeling. Being that experiences and your environment mold your eating habits as well as other habits you may pick up during your life. So it’s kind of a no brainer that working in a bakery for most of my life and self soothing with food during my childhood- well, adulthood too- that I have a predisposition to compulsively eat sugar when faced with stress, boredom or loneliness.
While listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning (The Paleo Women Podcast, 8/10 would recommend but they get a little off topic easily) they were discussing whether sugar and carbs are addictive or have dependency qualities to them. Which really got me thinking- am I actually addicted to sugar and is this even scientifically possible? WELL. if there were addictive qualities in sugar, then wouldn’t EVERYONE who has ever had sugar would be addicted to it, right? If it was the alcohol that was addictive then anyone and everyone who had a sip of it would be doomed to a life worshiping a bottle, correct? Or- is it the person? In addition to environmental surrounding having an effect on behavior, it has also been observed that some people are born with a genetic disposition to have the “addict gene” or be more susceptible to become addicted to a substance or habit. I’m sure that everything can be sourced back to childhood, one semester of general psychology at community college taught me that. I know that personally I find comfort in food and have some problems coping with stress and anxiety because of the way I was raised- alone, in private, in my room- coincidentally, where most of my binging happened.
When I first started medicating with food, it gave me a feeling of comfort and chewing relaxed me even just for the moment while I was eating. I forgot about the money I didn’t have, the friends I never saw, a test I failed and any other teenage problems I was experiencing. For the next 10 years- and even still- I would catch myself trying to fill voids in my life with food like I had always know to do, and the feeling of comfort was replaced with emptiness, regret and an unsatisfying end result. The last few years I continued to eat more and more, consumed with the incessant thoughts that as I got older my problems became bigger. Bigger problems causing bigger, gaping holes in myself that required even more food to push my emotions so far down that they had no chance of bubbling to the surface to be dealt with.
It was easier to binge in my twenties because I lived alone and had a car, which meant I didn’t have to rely on anyone else to buy me food or anyone around me to tell me to stop or get help. Especially being at a job where I was surrounded by sugar, it was like dating a drug dealer (lol been there too, shout out to a future blog post recapping that year of my life I’ll never get back). If I wanted it, it was there. and if I DIDN’T want it, it was still there. It didn’t matter if it was something I’ve eaten once, twice or a hundred times- not exaggerating, I’ve probably eaten at LEAST 200 cannoli in my life. I had to have it. Thinking back, there were very few times that I’ve actually eaten something because I wanted it. Most of the time I just ate it because it was just, well, there. Why can’t I binge eat broccoli? I would kill for a life where I could just smuggle a bag of baby carrots to my room and feel the same warm, fuzzy feeling that I get when I do that (did that, I’ve been doing much better with my “secret eating”) with a bag of Wise Cheese Doodles.
This is where I will end this particular post, another post will be coming titled “the anatomy of a binge” and I will describe in extreme detail what goes through my head before, during, and after an uncontrollable binge. That one could get kind of emotional, so be patient & kind pls 🙂
Frosting Cakes & Protein Shakes 